A Letter to My Boss: A Gimpy Monologue

English: A pink, frosted doughnut bought from ...

Dear Mr. M

 

I am writing this letter concerning the recent incidents that have occurred at Safeway Supermarkets.  As a dedicated employee of the Safeway brand I wanted to inform you of pertinent information that I neglected to mention in my interview.  I have recently been diagnosed on the Autism Spectrum Disorder scale which means that I have a cognitive disability that colors my perception of the world.  Let me briefly explain what that entails:

 

  1. I have difficulty discerning social cues (The reason I passed the interview was because I looked up “how-to” videos on how to appear confident in an interview; these are littered throughout Youtube and there are extensive articles on www.wikihow.com.)
  2. I follow specific rituals and routines that are difficult to change (Example: When the barista who makes coffee drinks is always talking to her unemployed friend, she is neglecting a potential paying customer (myself) and is wasting about five minutes of productive labor.  And my break is halved because of this incompetence. She is always supposed to make my coffee at 9:15am).

 

These two descriptions of ASD perfectly explain my actions and behavior in yesterday’s incident.  A lady was buying donuts at the bakery department.  You and I both know that the doughnuts are self-serve.  This customer left her doughnuts unattended in her cart; the box in which the doughnuts resided was left open and a couple flies landed on the doughnuts.  These flies proceeded to have coitus on top of a chocolate-covered donut hole.  The customer saw this and started to complain to me.  She explained the situation and said vulgar things which I will not recount here.

My reply to her was that it was her fault that she left the doughnut box open to let flies copulate there. I suggested that next time she should close the doughnut box to ensure that no insects could land on her edibles.  She turned as red as an Airhead and stormed off.

This was my approach to the problem; I gave her a solution and, irrationally I might add, she became infuriated by my logic.  I am aware that I will be subject to disciplinary action due to my behavior, but I wanted to write this in my defense.  It is my hope that you will see the pristine use of reason that I employed to counter the customer’s complaints and I did offer solutions for future reference.

Thank you sir.

 

Sincerely,

Alfonso J. Juarez

 

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