Sorry I Interrupted the Serenity of Your Dump: A Gimpy Monologue

A metal male restroom sign in an office buildi...

Have you ever been a size 14 trying to squeeze into a size 6? What about a guy who used to have a 30 inch waist, and suddenly realizing that your waist is now 36 inches all around? Feels a little awkward, doesn’t it? Now that you’ve got that feeling in mind, take a little trip with me to a place with which I am sure all of you are familiar. Take a trip in our minds to the restroom… More specifically, let’s go to the handicapped stall, or as you all might know it, “the big one.” Now let’s imagine you’re taking a dump, and someone jiggles on the door handle, and whispers a “fuck” under their breath. You’re probably thinking, “geez, what an ass hole!” Now let me take you to the other side of the door… On this side of the door, we have a man or woman in the equivalent situation of trying to fit into clothes that have no business being fit into. You see, that stall you’re sitting in, the one in which you are now sitting agitated, because someone entered into your little two walled world, and interrupted the serenity of your dump taking.

That place is the one-stop shop for all people who both have a disability and need to use the restroom. You see, it has bars for those of us who need help standing, the toilets are usually a little higher up to make transferring from a wheelchair a hell of a lot easier. Some of us stand, some of us sit for everything we do there, and others of us need to fit our chairs in with us in a comfortable way so that we can catheterize in private. So I’m sorry that I interrupted your dump, and I’m sorry that I inconvenienced your sensibilities by having to leave my chair outside of the stall and becomes a size 14 trying to fit into a size 6, and afterwards that I’m sweating because I hastily have to get back in my chair so as not to offend you any further. I’m sorry that I’m sitting in a corner somewhere so that I can catheterize as you walk through the door and looked to your left, to see a tube sticking out of my private area. After all, this should of been a private act in a public restroom, sorry that it offends you. But most of all, I’m sorry I interrupted your dump, but I have more important business then your state of mind. Try to sympathize, I have to piss, shit, or maybe even catheterize. So let me use my stall, don’t make me have to be the size 14 trying to be a size 6, cause it just ain’t going to happen. As I once told a friend of mine after having to play the very same game, this is why people in wheelchairs are either really humble, or really pissed off. Now that you have some idea what it must feel like, think first before you find yourself needlessly occupying that precious stall of mine. But sorry I interrupted the serenity of your dump.


15 thoughts on “Sorry I Interrupted the Serenity of Your Dump: A Gimpy Monologue

  1. How dare you Sage! Think of all the people who simply prefer the openness of the handicapped stall. They deserve more freedom than us invalids. Those of us in wheelchairs should just piss ourselves while we wait for the rest of the world to enjoy the “luxury” of what is, for people who truly need it, a necessity.

    Hope the sarcasm came through. 😉 At least the people using our stalls feel shitty when they come out and see someone who truly needed it waiting. Another thing that sucks about public restrooms is some of the handicap stalls aren’t really accessible. I’ve had to pee with the stall door open before cause the “accessible” stall doesn’t actually fit the chair and the person inside it.

    1. I’ve been in that situation numerous times! I wasn’t quite sure how to work it in, but I’m thinking about doing a rewrite on this piece anyway. Somewhere down the line, that is. I’ll be sure to try to include that in the next draft. Your sarcasm came dripping down what the frosting off of a Cinnabon

  2. I unfortunately have had to use the handicapped stall for about 10 years now. I have severe incontinence following a hysterectomy. Often times I may need to do a complete change from the waist down. I am also morbidly obese & have COPD. Imagine trying to change your clothes in a stall that’s way too small for you (regular stall) while you fight to breathe. Unfortunately, my disabilities are invisible to most people so I get weird looks when I come out of the handicapped stall or have people whisper behind my back if I use a motorized cart, you know “she wouldn’t need to use that cart if she wasn’t so fat!”

    1. Trust me, I totally understand. I’ve been in a situation many times where I’ve had to attempt to change clothes in a public restroom, and not in order to make a better fashion statement. I’ve seen people give those dirty looks 1000 times, in my case I suppose I’m slightly luckier, my disability is visible but I don’t think it matters much to the inconsiderate douche bag who walks out of it as though he had every right to be there. I wonder what would happen if I printed stickers that said “reserved for handicapped” you know, the way that handicapped parking spots are demarcated. Or what if they started giving tickets out for people who misused that stall? Interesting thoughts… Keep on fighting, and hopefully one day will change that corner of the public restroom 🙂 have a wonderful day, and thank you for reading!

      1. The problem with giving out tickets is someone would have to be there to monitor the people using the stall. Can you imagine putting that down as your career? “I’m a handicap stall monitor.” I wonder what the qualifications would be?
        I have a disability parking pass, maybe I should put it on a chain & wear it around my neck since my disability is invisible?

      2. You have a point, but it may be possible to do something like scan your handicap lacquer to allow access to handicap stalls, although I don’t quite foresee businesses being that accommodating… Unfortunately. I think the CV for a handicap stall monitor would be pretty entertaining to read 🙂

        Sent from my iPhone


      3. You must be in the United Kingdom? CV kind of gave it away. Do you find a lot of parents use the handicapped stall so they have room to help their children? I wish they would make family stalls as well as handicapped stalls so everybody would have what they need.

      4. That would be a good idea. I think they should have family stalls as well as stalls for disable patrons. I’m actually a California native, born and bred with some slight peculiarities of speech and a fondness for language.

        Sent from my iPhone


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