What If I Told You I Wanted to Die?

 

This isn’t some half assed statement. I thought about this a lot, and I’ve realized that overall, I need to learn to be kinder to myself. And the only way to treat myself more kindly, is to stop hiding the ugly parts that I don’t want to deal with. Mind you, I’m not talking about tomorrow, next week, or even next year. It is simply a statement that at some point I would like to make true of my own volition. It’s a decision I actually made a long time ago, that very few people know about… And the ones that do, have tried to convince me that I should change my mind. But I don’t see that happening.

I have seen death take many people that I’ve cared about in my short 28 years of life. Some of them were taken by a series of seemingly random circumstances, some due to natural causes, and others still taken by a series of horrible choices, of which they could not reverse the consequences. I’ve seen the struggles that come with old age in my own family. The senility, the persistent pain, the mood swings and so forth. This has made me think a lot about what I want out of my own life, and consequently, out of my own death.

I was born with cerebral palsy, and for those of you that don’t know, it is a neurological condition brought about usually after or during the birthing process as a result of brain damage, either due to slight hemorrhaging or lack of oxygen. The condition is not a disease… It is just that, a condition. It is not degenerative, and as far as I know cerebral palsy in and of itself is not hereditary. There are however normally other conditions that are present in cerebral palsy patients that are in fact genetic. The way this condition presents itself in me is that it affects my ability to move my lower extremities, and it affects the coordination of my left hand. This makes it difficult for some common everyday actions to be performed in a manner expected of a more able-bodied individual. This is the basis for my decision. I have seen the clutches of old age take otherwise vigorous and vital members of society, and reduce them to little more than children with a greater understanding of what they should be capable of. This places a burden on everyone around them, whether we lie to ourselves or not, the truth is that the burden does in fact exist.

This is why I have decided that I would like to end my life at the age of 60. Before senility has the opportunity to set in, and before further impairments to my movement can further degrade my quality of life. This is also one of the reasons I decided that I don’t want children. Not because I don’t love them, and not because I don’t think I would make a phenomenal father. I’m certain of both of those things. But I could not bear the thought of passing a genetic condition on to a child who may face greater difficulty than I ever could’ve surmounted myself. If I do have children, they will likely be adopted. There are far too many children in this world who go unloved, and uncared for simply because as a species, we thrive on the purpose of selfishly passing on our own genetic material. Whereas in my case, the likelihood of my genetic material being inferior as it is, is significantly higher. So I find myself not to be plagued with such selfishness, but rather only with the desire to show a child love.

The thought also occurs to me that I may never even have to make this decision to end my own life, because statistically speaking the average life expectancy of an individual in my situation is around the age of 51. So this forces me to ask myself, what do I want out of life? I have no girlfriend, at least for the moment. I have an amazing group of friends. I have a fairly rich social life, a fairly fulfilling means of employment, and then embarking on future projects that promise to be life enriching. So the only thing I want out of my life, is to live out how many ever years I have left in happiness with those I love. I don’t want to be remembered as someone who saw the end of their life embittered by the trials of becoming elderly. I want to be remembered as someone who inspired those around him, made him laugh, then cry, then laugh some more. I want to be remembered as someone who lived his life by one principle; the principle of unconditional love. I hope that admitting this to a group of people potentially larger than I will ever meet in my own life, will help me take that step to be just a little kinder to myself and in turn, a little kinder to those around me.

And I hope that to those that read this, even if you do not like what you’ve read… You learn to accept the art, regardless of the flawed artist that creates it. Please be and live well.

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37 thoughts on “What If I Told You I Wanted to Die?”

  1. I have ms. In a wheelchair, and even though our diseases differ, and our lives (30, married, 4 kids) differ, we have a lot in common. I’ve already taken my night meds, so I will be incomprehensible in a minute, but check out my blog sometime, and hopefully I will remember to return to yours. If I forget, and you haven’t been scared away, remind me on my blog somewhere.

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    1. I’m glad to have found somebody who understands what I’m talking about. Despite the differences in our life circumstances. Whenever you have some time, I would love to hear what you think. I’m in the process of going through some of your blog posts right now. Have a wonderful day!

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      1. You have a great day too, and I will try to stop by your blog tomorrow and comment your eyes off. 😉 I might swing by tonight, but I’ve got to do some real life stuff first.

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      2. Hi again. I’m cell phone blogging, so I can’t type as fast, and probably as much as I normally would. I just reread your post. I agree with everything you said. Completely. Watching yourself lose it…yeah, that sucks, and you are right about the difficulties family members and friends of a person with a disability have too. The stuff about unwanted kids too. Everything really.

        So, why did you choose 60, how would you want to go, and you should go volunteer with kids in the meantime…just saying.

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      3. I chose 60 because I figured it’s nor extremely young nor old, and that decade would be the one where old age would begin to truly take hold, if not sooner. It was a compromise with my self… That would experience enough of the onset to appreciate its struggles.

        And as for how want to go, I’d want to die in the arms of those I love, throwing them a little get together, sharing our memories of one another. Like the Indian movie Guzaarish

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      4. The 60 is understandable. Love that you want to appreciate the struggles, because there is a lot to appreciate during the worsening stages of any condition.

        As far as the get-together…you haven’t sold me on that one.

        I’d hesitate to watch any movie you refer to, because, in case you haven’t noticed, you call yourself the perverted sage. 😉

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  2. if I were you, I’d hesitate too haha! The reasoning behind the party, I’d rather be celebrated before I’m mourned. I think it will help the ones I leave behind with the grieving… At least that’s my hope

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    1. Hey Sage, I was trying to play it cool, but I really would love to talk to you when you get a chance. A nudist came to my blog tonight, avery nice, rational one…and it just would be nice to talk about the concept with someone who understands me

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      1. It’s not like he’s inviting me…just, thinking about it…he is an artist. That is somehow how he ended up at my blog, an artist drawn to the disabled girl, but nothing weird…ampersand’s…

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      2. lol, it’s not like that. Just wondering if I could ever be like that. He said that hold on… I told him he was braver than I was if he was a nudist, and he said: At the nude beaches, resorts and clubs that I’ve been to I’ve seen men and women in wheelchairs, men with amputated legs and arms, and women with full mastectomies. That’s bravery. Or, truer to their own beliefs, simply acceptance and humility.

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