Here Goes…

A Confession

I don’t make a habit of using this blog as an actual journal, but there’s something I need to say, and this is the only way I know. However before I begin, I just want to say that putting this out there may be the biggest mistake I’ll ever make. It has been my experience, that writing these sorts of things has never led to a happy ending, I’ll do it anyway… even knowing the way I feel may never be reciprocated.

I have to say, that throughout the course of my life I’ve had the pleasure of meeting many interesting people, as well as some not so interesting people. I’ve also had the opportunity to date many kinds of women, getting to know them each on a very personal level, hurting some and exalting others. But because of each and every one of them, I have been given a chance to learn what I’ve really been looking for. Therein lies my problem. Let me explain to you what I’m used to. I meet a girl, decide I think she’s attractive, we talk just long enough for her to feel like she knows me. After that, we go on a couple of dates, decide whether or not we’re attracted to each other, and if so we sleep together. We don’t become friends first, and allow the importance of each other in our lives to develop out of the sexual terms of our relationship. I know that sounds messed up to a lot of people, but it’s one of the easiest ways to avoid being put in the friend zone.

At the risk of making myself sound like even more asshole, I had rules for this sort of thing. The rules were as follows:

  1. never be friends first
  2. always maintain a personal distance
  3. do not invest in her unless she invests in me
  4. do not become emotionally attached to a woman unless you’re sleeping with her

Those rules served me very well for a fairly long time. But I’m always telling people to look for the exception rather than the rule. And for the longest time, I didn’t even think that there was anything to be had other than the rule itself. But one day I was proven very wrong when I met an extremely amazing young woman. There was something about her, from the first day I met her, I knew that something about her was different. I had no idea what, but I wanted to find out. Since then, she has become one of my closest friends and confidants, and I love her dearly. There is something about her beauty, that is pure timelessness and she has a unique pair of hazel eyes, that could suck you in for days and you wouldn’t even notice a second had passed. She is one of the most affectionate and loving people I have ever met. She is articulate and intelligent, with a fiery passion that sometimes explodes to the surface. She always knows how to make me smile, even when I have no desire to do so. She always seems to know what I’m thinking even when I don’t. There is a connection I share with her, that I can honestly say does not currently exist with anyone else.

Here’s the thing, I think I am in love with her. Which is never where I wanted to be. I broke every one of my rules when I met her. I became friends first, I invested in her far before I think she invested anything in me. We haven’t slept together, although sometimes I wish we would even though I understand the reasons why we shouldn’t. I’ve allowed her to know very intimate details of my life, some of which my family has no knowledge. I’ve made every mistake that I’ve counseled countless friends never to commit. But I still think it was worth it. To know one of the rarest diamonds that you will ever lay eyes on is always worth the risk. My problem is not that I have feelings for her, nor is it even that I love her… the problem is once again, this isn’t at all what I’m used to.

I’ve been dating other people recently, being that her and I are not a couple. And here’s the thing: many of the dates I’ve been on in the past month or so have somehow reminded me of her. A tiny bit of disappointment arises in finding out that I am indeed not out to dinner with this wonderful woman, and instead I’m out with someone who reminds me of her, and who also is totally worthy of my attention and affection, but instead is left with someone who is slightly absent-minded if not still cordial and engaging. The other thing I’m not really used to, is the fact that after so long (at least way longer than usual) of not being with someone, I still have feelings for her. Normally, the more time I spend with someone, the less romantically inclined I become, or the less appreciative I am. I begin to take things for granted. But with her, I find myself appreciating her more and more with each day spent in her company. I find myself even appreciating the things about her that at times annoy me. It allows me to finally understand that beauty is not perfection. Beauty is simply that thing which we admire because there is no other like it, even in its imperfections.

If the person about whom this is written should happen to read this, I want you to know that no matter what you think of what I’ve written here, nothing changes unless you want it to. I will always be here for you, and I will continue to love you in every way I possibly can, and I’m not going anywhere.  Te quiero mucho mi corazon.

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