internal dialogue

What is presented here, is an internal dialogue between my everyday self, and that internal self which remains to me just out of reach. They say that writing is the only socially acceptable form of schizophrenia; I fear that writing this may prove that statement to be utterly and completely true. For the purposes of this dialogue, my internal self will be referred to as Nexus. The conversation takes place in a mental cave somewhere, with a fire that burns bright at its center. Nexus sits at the center on one side of the fire, dressed in robes befitting of a sage, it’s hard to believe he’s been a hermit for so long. He is bearded, and has shoulder length hair, but every other feature matches my own.


Nexus: it’s been a long time since you bothered trying to find me, let alone having the thought of trying to have a conversation with me; what is it you seek?


Me: I don’t know, I just know it’s been a while. I’ve been aware of interference for some time now, specifically in regards to recent events.


Nexus: recent events? I see, so you’ve been aware. It’s good to see that your mind and your senses have not dulled. I began to wonder, if you could even tell that I still resided within. But I sense you have questions, so let’s have it then.


Me: always the asshole, I see you haven’t changed much.


Nexus: and I see you haven’t learned much.


Me: alright, how would you best describe yourself in relation to me?


Nexus: you’d like me to say that I’m simply the sum of your experiences, but to do that would simply be an underestimation of me, as well as an overestimation of you. It’s true that I am a manifestation of your subconscious, but there’s more to it than that… you see, Carl Jung posited that there exists a kind of universal consciousness, or species memory. He extrapolated from his belief in this, that because species memory exists, each and every single man and woman has an inborn instinct, a kind of byproduct from the process of evolution. He did not however understand the true nature of the collective unconscious. For one who is open to it, there is also a mystical quality; an interconnectedness to one’s whole ancestry, and with that, to a wealth of knowledge akin to direct experience. This is what you yourself often referred to as past lives. I function as both your subconscious and your connection to species memory, or the collective unconscious. My existence is as old as the existence of man, and possibly even quite a bit older than that.


Me: you think pretty highly of yourself don’t you? Like I said, always the ass.


Nexus: to think something in the respect that you mean it means that it is not indeed real. But have I not demonstrated to you, the expansive treasures hidden deeply in your mind. Have I not proven useful? To say that I think highly of myself would mean that it is not indeed true that I deserve such praise. While I never seek it, I am aware of what it is I possess. Besides, you’re the only one that thinks of life in terms of praise and putdown. How very dualistic of you, it is either one way, or it is the other. I thought I taught you better than that.


In life, it is true that everything has two sides, but the trick is to learn to stop seeing them in direct opposition to one another, but rather see them as complements to a single, unified whole. This is an example you’ve parroted many times, but I shall use it for you again here: there are not very many species on the planet which produce in an asexual manner; therefore, it is fair to assume that in order for life to be created, there has to be a male of a given species as well as his female counterpart. Through the unification of these two seemingly opposing pieces, it is possible that new life is created. The rest of the world works very much the same way; let us take your preoccupation with praise and putdown. If you receive praise it tells you something; that what you’re doing is in fact praiseworthy or otherwise correct. When somebody berates your work it can either mean that they simply do not like it, or that they are attempting, however wrong the manner, to give you constructive feedback by which you can improve your work, thus creating a better whole. Like it says in one of your videogames, it’s conflict that strengthens you, too much praise simply lulls you into complacency.


Me: point taken. I take it you’re tired of me parroting your ideas as you put it, so why don’t you talk to me so we can work out some new ones.


Nexus: I speak, but you do not hear. Preoccupied with everyday goings-on, you failed to heed my words of wisdom, or even to participate in casual conversation. So, after what seemed to be an extremely long moment of silence, I simply assumed that you either no longer needed me, or no longer wanted me around.


Me: then why have you been showing up recently?


Nexus: because my dear friend, you’ve been getting in your own way. The thing I’ve taught you since you were a child, the jury of the mind, it has begun to decay as you’ve become ever more careless with it. All the knowledge you seek resided within you, and yet you seek it without. I thought it advantageous for you, due to mental fatigue that I should take over.  It was nothing more than that. Besides, have I not done what you wanted? You’re happier now, aren’t you?


Me: that’s not the point! Whenever a man should receive in life should be due to his own merits, and not because some magical sage in his head ventures forth and takes over. And besides, why the hell would you want to help me anyway. I’ve heard your arguments… “Without you I could not live.” I think that’s bull shit! You and I both know you could’ve chosen anybody else for this, so why me?


Nexus: his own merits? Are you stupider than I assumed? Do you not realize that I am part of you? Do you fail to see the truth connection between us? You assume that I have some maleficent intent in your life, or that I seek to impose my own designs upon it. Have you ever considered the possibility that I might want the life that you want? Has it ever occur to you that our goals are the same, and that the only reason I even exist is because you get in your own way. Constantly, incessantly, and stupidly stumbling to find answers that you already have. I simply exist so that you can step aside, and quit being a god damn roadblock to yourself. I am the person you wish you were, and the essence of that possibility simultaneously. Think about it. I don’t want to answer any more damn questions. Maybe later, I know you have more.


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