Filed under disability

The Movie “Bully”

This isn’t usually the kind of thing I write about, so please forgive me. But it’s very difficult to watch a documentary that strings together pieces of a childhood trauma, and by the very end, see yourself reflected in that piece. For those of you that don’t know, it’s a documentary that hopes to shed light on the bullying crisis in American public schools. Be careful not to think in line with the old adage “kids will be kids.” When cruelty can follow you home, and affect the entirety of your life, and have a tremendous impact on your future… A cliché just isn’t worthy of it. It’s a movie that affected me very deeply, some of you know that I was born different. I would like to think that I became a well-adjusted adult man in spite of those trials of my childhood. But there is something about this film that rocked me to my core. It never ceases to amaze me how cruel people can be one another. And because of this, how many otherwise good people become perverse images of their former yourselves. Not that I would advocate anything illegal, but I would encourage all of you to get a hold of this documentary, and watch it together. and remember, there is still hope. Check out the trailer here:

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Reply to: What If I Told You I Wanted to Die?



I feel the need to respond to some of the feedback I’ve been getting about this post, if only a blanket response to address the comments I received thus far. For those of you interested, the original post can be found here: http://http://tddr.wordpress.com/2012/04/09/what-if-i-told-you-i-wanted-to-die/

First of all, I want to thank everyone for their kind responses, regardless of if our opinions may differ on the subject. It means a lot to me to know that I’ve actually touched people’s lives. But that’s never been what this is about. I wanted to be very clear that this is not a decision that I arrived at out of some feeling of incompleteness, or a feeling that I’m abnormal, nor do I feel that I don’t belong in some way or another. I have been more clear headed lately, than I have ever been. And what most of you don’t realize, is that I made this choice for myself long before we had even met. The obvious exceptions to that statement already know who they are. I know my worth as a person, and I know that I am special. I know this because I have known lots of amazing individuals so far in my life, and I know with complete certainty, that I will continue to meet more. And to these amazing people, I have become special. I also know my worth as a person because I see how different I am in the way that I treat most of those I encounter, and the things that I’m willing to do for those that I allow in my life. 

I know that I’m a person who is intelligent, I have an agile mind, I am fiercely loyal and compassionate. I’m also aware of my less than desirable amount of stubbornness, my love of arguing for the sake of arguing, the fact that I can be infuriating sometimes for various reasons. All of these things and many more not mentioned, make me who I am. I arrived at this decision in light of this question of basic human dignity, and because I know with utmost certainty, that I have the right to choose how I live, and how I am remembered. And I refuse to leave this life utterly dependent on other people to survive. I refuse to subject anyone to that responsibility. And for those who have joined the discussion from a theological standpoint, for me it takes far more faith to believe in a God that is contrary to the way I was raised, that is, a God that knows my heart, motivation, and intentions so perfectly… Perhaps better than I do, that mercy would be shown on my behalf. This isn’t about a lack of purpose, I know what my purpose is, and I intend to achieve it. All too often, I see people take their lives for granted, because even though we intellectually understand that life is an unknown finite period of time, we don’t live it that way. I’m merely giving myself a soft deadline, with room for padding. I don’t know what the afterlife will hold, nor do I really want to. What I know that I have with the utmost certainty, is this life. What is here, now in this moment, and the moments to come. And I will savor them all.
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What If I Told You I Wanted to Die?

 

This isn’t some half assed statement. I thought about this a lot, and I’ve realized that overall, I need to learn to be kinder to myself. And the only way to treat myself more kindly, is to stop hiding the ugly parts that I don’t want to deal with. Mind you, I’m not talking about tomorrow, next week, or even next year. It is simply a statement that at some point I would like to make true of my own volition. It’s a decision I actually made a long time ago, that very few people know about… And the ones that do, have tried to convince me that I should change my mind. But I don’t see that happening.

I have seen death take many people that I’ve cared about in my short 28 years of life. Some of them were taken by a series of seemingly random circumstances, some due to natural causes, and others still taken by a series of horrible choices, of which they could not reverse the consequences. I’ve seen the struggles that come with old age in my own family. The senility, the persistent pain, the mood swings and so forth. This has made me think a lot about what I want out of my own life, and consequently, out of my own death.

I was born with cerebral palsy, and for those of you that don’t know, it is a neurological condition brought about usually after or during the birthing process as a result of brain damage, either due to slight hemorrhaging or lack of oxygen. The condition is not a disease… It is just that, a condition. It is not degenerative, and as far as I know cerebral palsy in and of itself is not hereditary. There are however normally other conditions that are present in cerebral palsy patients that are in fact genetic. The way this condition presents itself in me is that it affects my ability to move my lower extremities, and it affects the coordination of my left hand. This makes it difficult for some common everyday actions to be performed in a manner expected of a more able-bodied individual. This is the basis for my decision. I have seen the clutches of old age take otherwise vigorous and vital members of society, and reduce them to little more than children with a greater understanding of what they should be capable of. This places a burden on everyone around them, whether we lie to ourselves or not, the truth is that the burden does in fact exist.

This is why I have decided that I would like to end my life at the age of 60. Before senility has the opportunity to set in, and before further impairments to my movement can further degrade my quality of life. This is also one of the reasons I decided that I don’t want children. Not because I don’t love them, and not because I don’t think I would make a phenomenal father. I’m certain of both of those things. But I could not bear the thought of passing a genetic condition on to a child who may face greater difficulty than I ever could’ve surmounted myself. If I do have children, they will likely be adopted. There are far too many children in this world who go unloved, and uncared for simply because as a species, we thrive on the purpose of selfishly passing on our own genetic material. Whereas in my case, the likelihood of my genetic material being inferior as it is, is significantly higher. So I find myself not to be plagued with such selfishness, but rather only with the desire to show a child love.

The thought also occurs to me that I may never even have to make this decision to end my own life, because statistically speaking the average life expectancy of an individual in my situation is around the age of 51. So this forces me to ask myself, what do I want out of life? I have no girlfriend, at least for the moment. I have an amazing group of friends. I have a fairly rich social life, a fairly fulfilling means of employment, and then embarking on future projects that promise to be life enriching. So the only thing I want out of my life, is to live out how many ever years I have left in happiness with those I love. I don’t want to be remembered as someone who saw the end of their life embittered by the trials of becoming elderly. I want to be remembered as someone who inspired those around him, made him laugh, then cry, then laugh some more. I want to be remembered as someone who lived his life by one principle; the principle of unconditional love. I hope that admitting this to a group of people potentially larger than I will ever meet in my own life, will help me take that step to be just a little kinder to myself and in turn, a little kinder to those around me.

And I hope that to those that read this, even if you do not like what you’ve read… You learn to accept the art, regardless of the flawed artist that creates it. Please be and live well.

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A sociology Essay

As I sat and thought of all the topics that relate to me, there were so many things through my mind. Language and culture, family, the list goes on. Then it dawned on me, one of the things that has shaped my life in ways even I do not entirely understand. I was born with cerebral palsy, and while life is normal in most arenas, having this disability does have its affect, especially in the professional arena. In a general sense, people tend to judge sometimes unjustly, whether or not a disabled individual is capable of performing the duties of a particular job.

One such incident happened to me. It was a few years ago, and I was fresh out of high school and looking for extra cash while attending school at ITT Technical Institute in Ranch Cordova. I had applied for a job working for the childcare department at a local gym. I went in and filled out an application and within a week, I got a call back for an interview. I went in for the interview and everything seemingly went well, then I was told there was a standard test that all prospective employees must take. It was a test that covered questions on basic employee relations, math, and customer service. I thought all was well, I was later informed that majority of my answers were wrong, specifically those involving math.

How could that be right? I had just taken a trigonometry class and I did just fine, and here this person was telling me I could use basic math with decimals. Then it came. I asked, “Is that all?” Her subsequent reply left me a bit unnerved, “Well honestly, I don’t think that someone with your ability could do the job.”

Being the kind of person I am, as soon as the ordeal was over, I went outside and took out a calculator to review the math problems I supposedly got wrong, and guess what? My answers were correct.

In my experience and in talking with other close friends and acquaintances, it seems to be a common occurrence. I have met countless people in wheelchairs like myself, who choose to sit at home and collect SSI benefits. When I inquired as to why they had chosen this way of life, more often than not, I was met with the question, “Do you know how hard it is to find someone who’ll give you a job, or is willing to make simple adaptations so you could do the job?”

When thinking on this subject further, it has always struck me as odd that it is perfectly acceptable for a disabled person to be unemployed, while the rest of society is warned that if they don’t both seek and obtain employment, they’re considered a failure. I realize that double standards have always existed, but does that mean they should be accepted? I think this is symptomatic of a larger issue.

In my mind, this has always been a war of the haves versus the have-nots. Those in power will almost certainly abuse it regardless of how little power they have when compared to the grand scheme of things. Social stigmas are a very powerful force; they have the ability to either help, or severely hinder the winds of social change. The very nature of our capitalist society dictates that productivity is held in the utmost importance. The old adage, “Time is money!” illustrates this quite well.

The saying, “Money is power” is what often comes to mind when trying to sum up this issue. Our society idolizes three things: power, wealth, and prestige. If this continues to be a part of the “American Dream,” what hope do the disabled have if not given a decent opportunity?

One final note on this issue, I have spent the entire time talking about the disabled community and employment, but this problem won’t be solved unless one fundamental thing changes. We need to begin thinking about how “abled” someone is, rather than how disabled someone might be. This is the key to turning a group of people who may be viewed by some as a drain on society, into a substantial and valuable asset.
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